The
Bloatonian Dream
A (Insane)
Pokémon Tale by Latios
Author’s
Dedication: To Mewkitty, whose Pokémon page was the first unofficial page I
visited; to Dragonfree a.k.a. Butterfree, who first posted my work; and to Dannichu,
who inspired me to break out of the mold of totally logical, coherent
prose! All of you are truly great
Pokémon fans! August 20, 2003
Disclaimer
of Legal Responsibility: Walking across a street or highway with one’s eyes
down and without looking to the left, the right, and the left again is not
supported or promoted in any way by the author (Latios) or by the publishers
(The Cave of Dragonflies, Mew’s Hangout).
Any reference to the aforementioned behavior (i.e., looking at the
ground to cross a motorway) in this work is strictly satirical in nature, and
is not intended to be taken literally.
Bodily or property damage sustained as a result of not crossing any
motorway in the correct manner is the responsibility of neither the author nor
the publishers.
These
are the 20 insane phrases I gave myself to weave into the story:
1. You’re a bat-faced, bug-eyed, booger-nosed, baloney-brained
beetle-butt!
2. I have very few communicable diseases.
3. I demand a recount!
4. Augh! The peanut butter
is ruined!
5. Dude, you gotta help me!
I’m being stalked by a giant pickle!
6. Repent sinners! The end
is near!
7. I think I’m going to hurl . . .
8. How should I know? I
spent the day in Vegas!
9. Get the Cool Whip™!
Hurry!
10. Hoo-hahh. Hoo-hahh.
11. It’s a flying banana!
12. As I recall, you seemed to spend most of your time picking your
nose.
13. Whither goest thou, young rogue?
Can there remain some villainy thou hast not yet committed?
14. I really need a hug!
15. I’m here to deliver a wedgie.
16. I think my car just burped.
17. Excuse me, sir. Are you
dead?
18. Aiee! The Blue Cows are
coming! The Blue Cows are coming!
19. Dud Lite presents . . . Real Men of Stupidity.
20. Have I ever mentioned that I’m a deranged postal employee?
Latios (author and narrator, not
the blue dragon we all know and love): Our tale begins in the bustling city of
Goldenrod, where Pikachu and his friends live in the imposing Mart
Complex. Their trainer, Ash, and his
friends, Brock and Misty, were accidentally taken with Celibi hundreds of years
back in time, as the unique Psychic-type creature fled the Ilex Forest and her
predator, a strange man with a machine-gun Master Ball launcher who is known by
authorities as Joseph Mustard, better known by the public as “Mean Mr.”
Mustard. Pikachu and his comrades made
a yearly pilgrimage to the hallowed woods of Ilex, beseeching Celibi for the
safe return of their beloved trainer, bowing before the Shrine of Ilex, with
Suicune the North Wind as their saint-like intermediary. After three unfruitful prayers to Celibi,
some of them were becoming cynical and even a bit crotchety—
[The Meowth of Team Rocket shoves
aside Latios.]
Meowth: I’m practically going out
of my mind with you and your [expletive] speeches! Who do you think you are, William Faulkner?
Latios: If I were Faulkner, I’d
have a bigger vocabulary and would use run-on sentences.
Meowth: Eh, who needs you,
Literature Boy? C’mon, you gotta make
this exciting! I’ll show you how it’s
done! . . .
[Many hours after the Mart closes,
Pikachu and friends are on the Rooftop Square, huddling under some old coats
and staring into the night, the skyscrapers casting a soothing glow on the
city. Charizard warms himself with his
own tail-flame.]
Totodile: Come on, Charizard. It must be cold enough to freeze water up
here. Let me stand near your tail. I’m turning blue from hypothermia.
Bayleef: Unfortunately, you’re
already blue.
Totodile: Well, um . . . I’m
getting bluer! That’s it!
Bayleef: Shut up and go back to
sleep.
Totodile: This is tyranny! I’ll sidle up to that tail if it kills
me. I might already be dead for all I
know.
Cyndaquil: Kindly put a sock in
it, Totodile. Be grateful that you’re
not in a laboratory, crammed in some smelly cage.
Totodile: Give me liberty, or give
me death! That’s what Eminem said. So, I’ll get my freedom from the cold!
Pikachu: It was Patrick Henry who
said that, you dork! Did you not study
your history?
Totodile: Why should I? I’m not required to go to school, you
know! [Approaches Charizard.] Hey, Charizard! You’re a bat-faced, bug-eyed, booger-nosed, baloney-brained
beetle-butt! Let me stand next to you,
or I’ll put your precious tail-flame out!
Charizard: [Snorts a fiery breath
that blows Totodile on his back.] I’m
too big for one of those disgusting coats, and this tail is mine, all
mine! Go light your own tail if you
want a fire!
Totodile: Why, I oughtta smack you
from here to Kingdom Come! [Starts
squirting water at Charizard.]
Charizard: Kid, you don’t know who
you’re messing with. [Swipes his claws
at Totodile.] I’m a dangerous beast and
a bloodthirsty barbarian! If you’re
smart, you’ll crawl back under your coat, you little brat! [Charizard spews flames over Totodile’s
head.]
Pikachu: Stop fighting! I’m sure we can resolve this
diplomatically.
Totodile and Charizard: Oh
yeah? How?
Pikachu: We have to stick together
and cooperate. So apologize to each
other, now!
Charizard: How about we fight
first and apologize later?
Cyndaquil: Charizard!
Charizard: Okay, I’m sorry. You can stand next to my tail, Totodile, and
the rest of you, too.
Totodile: Thank you,
Charizard. I’m real sorry, too.
[Everyone gathers around
Charizard’s tail-flame.]
Bayleef: Oooh, this is much
better.
Cyndaquil: We can’t go on like
this much longer.
Totodile: You’re right. But where are we to go? We wouldn’t last a week in the Ilex
Forest!
Charizard: I could last if there
were a steakhouse somewhere around the Shrine.
Pikachu: Not all of us are
carnivores, you know.
Charizard: [Closes his eyes,
rolling his tongue over his lips] A nice, big slab of Prime Stantler Rib,
marinated in Cajun sauce and sprinkled with real garlic—
Bayleef: I think I’m going to hurl
. . .
Charizard: —and crispy French
fries smeared with cheese—
Bayleef: Charizard, I respect your
need to eat meat, but I’m an herbivore.
Please respect my decision to eat vegetables.
Charizard: Vegetables? I hate vegetables!
Bayleef: So you hate me?
Charizard: You’re not a
vegetable! If you were, you couldn’t
talk or walk.
Bayleef: You are so politically
incorrect, Charizard.
Pikachu: Let’s not forget that
potatoes are vegetables.
Charizard: [Looks at Pikachu as if
he swallowed poison.] They are!?
Pikachu: They grow in the ground,
right? They have leaves on them,
right? What did you think they
were?
Charizard: Roasted Digletts? . . .
Cyndaquil: How did our discussion
deviate to food?
Bayleef: Perhaps if you were paying
attention you might know!
Charizard: I have an idea. Far, far out, beyond the Hoennian Sea,
there’s a place called “Bloato.” Bloato
is a continent about five times the size of Johto and Kanto combined. There are no trainers there, because all the
Pokémon are . . . well . . . crazy. Or
so the urban legend of Goldenrod has it.
They say that everyone there is rich beyond your wildest dreams—money
practically grows on trees there.
Everybody has at least three cars and a swimming pool, too.
Pikachu: Where did you find out
about all this?
Charizard: A Hitchhiker’s Guide
to the “Savage” Regions of the Pokémon World by Professor Samuel D.
Oak. See? It says so right here.
[Hands book to Pikachu.]
Cyndaquil: I’ve never heard of a
place called Bloato, but if Oak says it exists, it must be true.
Bayleef: I actually remember
watching a documentary on it. It said
that Salamence III, King of Hoenn, originally established Bloato in 1607, out
of raw wilderness. He named it as such
because his cousin, Dragonite XI, then the Queen of Johto, paid him huge sacks
of diamonds and gold to christen it with a name similar to her own
kingdom. In 1729, though, most of the
colonists moved away, when it was announced that the rival kingdoms of Johto
and Kanto were to be ruled as two nations under one ruler, the former Queen of
Kanto, Moltres XIV, who pledged to make Johto-Kanto as close to Utopia as possible. Dragonite unexpectedly died at the age of
257 as she was asleep, and since she had not borne a child to ascend the throne
after she had parted from this world, the Archbishop of Ecruteak was forced to
surrender the Johtonian throne to Kanto.
Moltres was nothing but a corrupt, moneyed, overbearing politician,
however, and the Pokémon and dedicated trainers of Bloato played an important
role in overthrowing her to establish the present-day Republic of
Johto-Kanto. Hoenn did not let go of
her monarchy until 1952, when—
Totodile: Okay, okay, enough with
the history lessons. I say we head for
Bloato tomorrow. I’m sick and tired of
living in this stupid Mart Complex waiting stupidly for our stupid trainer to
stupidly come stoopin’ back home—
Pikachu: Hey! Ash was a good trainer!
Cyndaquil: Yeah! Stop the Ash-bashing, Totodile!
Bayleef: Enough, already. Let’s go back to bed. Don’t you think we’ve argued enough?
Totodile: No! Let’s debate whether I was cuter as a small
Totodile or as a fully-grown Totodile!
Cyndaquil: As I recall, you seemed
to spend most of your time picking your nose when you were a hatchling.
Totodile: Nose? What nose?
Moses—supposes—his toeses—are roses—but Moses—supposes—erroneously—
Cyndaquil: Who does he think he is? Fred Astaire?
Totodile: [Breaks into a tap
dance.] Dah-dah-doo-dah . . .
Cyndaquil: All right, you don’t
have a nose. You have a snout. Are you happy?
Totodile: I’d be really
happy if you pierced my snout and gave me a snout ring.
Cyndaquil: No, thank you.
Totodile: I have very few
communicable diseases.
Everyone but Totodile: You mean
you have any?
Totodile: I have acute
dermatitis.
Charizard: What?
Totodile: Acute dermatitis. You know, severe itching and peeling. Wanna see my ringworm? . . .
Bayleef: Please refrain from
exhibiting your diseases and let us go to sleep.
Pikachu: We’ve got a busy day
tomorrow. Our buddy, Charizard, is
going to fly us to Bloato.
Charizard: Why me?
Bayleef: Because you can fly,
obviously.
Charizard: Let’s have a vote on
this. Who wants me to take us to
Bloato? [Everyone but Charizard raises
his hand.]
Pikachu: Sorry, Charizard. Four against one—you lose.
Charizard: I demand a
recount!
Pikachu: Okay—one, two, three,
four “yes” votes, and one “no” vote.
It’s as plain as daylight!
Charizard: Yeah, but it’s
nighttime.
Cyndaquil: It’s a figure of
speech, Charizard.
Charizard: Oh, okay. Well, I want to see Bloato as much as the
rest of you, so I’ll take you on my back tomorrow.
THE NEXT
MORNING
Charizard:
[While asleep, he has a dream.] Mmm . .
. Piloswine ribs dunked in barbecue sauce, and a side of fried Farfetch’d legs
. . .
Pikachu: Is everyone ready?
Bayleef: Yes, we’re set to
go.
Pikachu: Are we forgetting
anything?
Totodile: Gasp! The peanut butter! Can’t live without my peanut butter! What would I do without my beloved—
Cyndaquil: Just find your stupid
peanut butter, already!
Totodile: Oh, whew. Here it is.
[Opens the jar.] Augh! The peanut butter is ruined!
Bayleef: What do you mean?
Totodile: There are knife wounds
in the peanut butter! You can’t stab
it. You must slowly caress it with the
knife and gingerly ease it out of the jar.
Pikachu: What are you, some kind
of Wolfgang Puck wannabe?
Totodile: [With a snobbish
air.] Some of us are peanut
butter connoisseurs and can appreciate subtle differences between
different batches, the type of peanuts used, mixing styles, and grinding
techniques. Take Jif® 1998, for instance. Not a good year at all—
Bayleef:
It’s peanut butter, not Chardonnay.
What’s the big deal, anyway?
Totodile: [Starry-eyed.] The big deal is that I have always wanted to
go to the Bloato peanut-butter-tasting tour!
Cyndaquil: Boy, you must really like
peanut butter!
Pikachu: We’re not going anywhere
until anywhere until Charizard wakes up . . .
Charizard: [Still asleep,
dreaming.] Fresh Kingler meat with
cocktail sauce—
Pikachu: [Shocks Charizard out of
slumber.] Get up! It’s almost sunrise! We’ve got to go before the trainers see
us!
Charizard: I was just about to
bite into that Kingler leg when you woke me up!
Cyndaquil: Is food all you ever
dream about?
Charizard: Actually, no. I often dream about fighting other
Charizards and winning, or dating Latias, or—
Bayleef: Why Latias, of all
Pokémon?
Charizard: Because Latias is the
most beautiful and intelligent dragon Pokémon in the world, of course!
Pikachu: But you’re not classified
as a Dragon-type.
Charizard: I should be! I fly, right? I have arms, so I’m not a bird, right? I have razor-sharp teeth and claws, and to top it off, I breathe
fire! I’m just like the dragons in all
those old fairy tales! Brother, you’re
looking at a 100% pureblooded dragon!
Pikachu: Okay, okay. Can we get going, now?
Charizard: Yeah, I hear you. All aboard!
[Everyone climbs onto Charizard’s
back.]
Bayleef: I can’t hold on to you
very well, so start slowly, okay?
Charizard: Whatever you say—thank
you for choosing Charizard Airlines.
Before we begin, I’d like to point out some safety features—
Cyndaquil: But there are
none.
Charizard: Ah! What an observant little mouse we have
today! That’s right—if you fall off,
you’re dead!
Pikachu: How comforting.
FIVE HOURS
LATER
Charizard:
We are now approaching the Bloatonian Coast.
[A beach of white sand comes into views, with many Pokémon playing and
relaxing in the sun, as Charizard touches down.] The Eagle has landed!
Totodile: God be praised! I can finally stretch my legs!
Pikachu: Speaking of God . . .
[A group of Xatu sways together,
walking up the sandy shore, chanting,]
Xatus: Repent sinners! The end is near! Repent sinners! The end
is very near! Repent! Repent for your eternal soul—
Pikachu: What signs in the heavens
do you see, O Wise One?
Head Xatu: A yellow vessel shall
invade the sky . . .
Totodile: A yellow vessel?
Head Xatu: Aye, a yellow
vessel. And that vessel shall spew
forth azure beasts—
Charizard: Look! It’s a flying banana!
[The banana opens up, and a horde
of flying cows emerges.]
Bloatonian Locals: Aiee! The Blue Cows are coming! The Blue Cows are coming!
[The locals run away, as Darth
Vader emerges from the banana, floating down to the beach.]
Darth Vader: Hoo-hahh. Hoo-hahh.
Go forth, my Blue Cows, and terrorize the locals! It won’t be long before this whole nation is
mine! Hoo-hahh. My will is law! Hoo-hahh.
Charizard: You brought a cooler
full of food, right, Totodile?
Totodile: Yeah, we’ve got three
jars of peanut butter, a bottle of ketchup (Pikachu has such weird taste), a
tub of Cool Whip™—
Charizard: Get the Cool
Whip™. Hurry!
Cyndaquil: What are you going to
do with it?
Charizard: You’ll see . . .
[Charizard takes the Cool Whip™
from Totodile and opens it. The Blue Cows
stop chasing the locals, and start flying toward Charizard. Charizard leads them back in the flying
banana, and throws the Cool Whip™ inside.
They all fight over the whipped topping, while Charizard flies over to
Darth Vader and tackles him. Stunned
and pinned to the ground, he cannot reach his light-saber. Pikachu flicks it on, but . . .]
Pikachu: Hey! This isn’t a light-saber! It’s an official Star Wars™ toy! It says, “Made in China” on the handle!
Charizard: You’ve reached the end
of the line, phony!
Darth Vader: Hoo-hahh. Hoo-hahh.
I confess! [Takes off his
mask.] I’m just a wannabe who’s actually
a Sneasel!
[Charizard releases Sneasel as he
gets to his feet.]
Totodile: What did you do that
for!? And where did you get those cows
and that flying banana?
Sneasel: My former trainer was a
rancher who dappled in genetic engineering and inventing. When his business folded and he left me in
rural Johto, I came to Bloato with his flying cows and his banana-ship to have
some fun.
Cyndaquil: You have a cruel sense
of fun.
Sneasel: All of my kind are like
that. We live scare the daylights out
of others.
Pikachu: Then why don’t you work
in horror films? Then we could choose
whether or not we want to frightened!
Sneasel: What a great idea! I could get filthy rich while I’m at
it! And then I could be the next
governor of California, just like Ronald Reagan!
Totodile: But you’re not human,
you can’t speak like humans, and you’ve never held political office
before.
Sneasel: Reality continues to ruin
my life . . .
LATER THAT
DAY
[Pikachu
and friends walk down a busy street in downtown Zangoose, the city on whose
shores Charizard previously landed. A
Ludicolo approaches them, who is practically jumping out of his skin.]
Ludicolo:
Dude! You gotta help me! I’m being stalked by a giant pickle!
Bayleef:
I don’t see any giant pickles . . .
Ludicolo:
AAAAUGH! There he is!
Pikachu:
Where?
Ludicolo:
[Pointing at Bayleef.] There!
Bayleef:
I am not a pickle!
Ludicolo:
All right, Pickle! I’m takin’ you to
the sauerkraut factory!
Totodile:
I thought sauerkraut was made from cucumbers.
Ludicolo:
Sssh! You’ll scare away the bugs!
Charizard:
What?
Ludicolo:
Have I ever mentioned that I’m a deranged postal employee? Now, I’ll get you with my Mail Time
attack! [Leaps at Charizard.] Eee-yahh!
Pikachu:
[Shocks Ludicolo, who falls to the sidewalk.]
What the heck is wrong with you!?
Ludicolo:
Uh . . . uh . . . um . . . I smell funny?
Cyndaquil:
You smell funny, all right! What have
you been doing, swimming in fish oil?
Ludicolo:
I hear the Stooges! They’re comin’ to
get ya!
[A
police car, manned by a group of Growlithe, pulls up next to Ludicolo, lights
flashing. Ludicolo is handcuffed and
led inside, while an officer explains:]
Growlithe:
I am terribly sorry for this. He
belongs in an insane asylum and hasn’t been without medication for over a
week. Zangoose is usually a peaceful
city.
Ludicolo:
[From inside the car.] I really need a
hug!
Driver
Growlithe: Oh, you’ll get your hug all right . . . when we restrain you, that
is!
Growlithe:
I must be on my way, now.
[Pikachu
and friends wave goodbye and walk away, while Growlithe and the others drive
away.]
Ludicolo:
They’re coming to take me away—ha-ha—he-he—ho-ho—to the funny farm!
SEVIPER CITY, NIGHTTIME
Totodile:
[With a scholarly air.] What is this,
the Bloatonian Dream? Is it fabulous
wealth? [Points to large skyscrapers.] Is it intellectual freedom? [Points to a Scyther and an Electabuzz in a
heated debate at an outdoor café table.]
Or is it euphoria? [Points to a
Cleffa, an Igglybuff, and a Magby getting a sugar high from lollipops and
soda.]
Charizard:
I think it’s just a bunch of really weird Pokémon.
Pikachu:
Where do you suppose we are?
Bayleef:
Somewhere on planet Earth.
Cyndaquil:
Oh, you’re a big help.
Totodile:
Let’s ask him for help, speaking of it.
[Points to a Kadabra sprawled out on the stairs of a public
library.]
Pikachu:
Excuse me, sir. Do you know where the
nearest restaurant is? We’re all really
hungry and . . . hello?
Cyndaquil:
Why isn’t he responding?
Bayleef:
Maybe he’s dead. Let’s
see—[Shouts.] Excuse me, sir! Are you dead?
Cyndaquil:
You have to check his pulse and his breathing, moron.
Bayleef:
Oh, right.
[Bayleef
approaches Kadabra, but Kadabra thrusts his eyes open.]
Kadabra:
I’m here to deliver a wedgie.
Pikachu:
How . . . nice.
Kadabra:
It’s not nice! It’s great! I get paid $100 per victim to string up
Pokémon by their clothes!
Cyndaquil:
Unfortunately for you, the vast majority of us don’t wear anything, ever.
Kadabra:
Who asked you!?
Charizard:
I want to join this organization!
What’s it called?
Kadabra:
United Wedgie Service, of course!
Bayleef:
So you get paid to lie around?
Kadabra:
I just have to wait for the victims my customers want me to get . . . There’s
one!
[A
Machoke pulls up in an old Cadillac, which emits steam and makes whistling
noises from the engine. When the engine
is turned off, a loud groan is heard from the car.]
Machoke:
I really need some help. I think my car
just burped.
Kadabra:
All right! You’re under arrest! By the powers vested in me from the Exalted
Wedgie Man, you are hereby sentenced to hanging from the loincloth!
Machoke:
Says you and what army?
Kadabra:
Says me and the United Wedgie Service, of course!
[Kadabra,
being a Psychic-type, quickly wrestles Machoke to the ground, hoists him onto a
hook driven into a utility pole, and teleports away. Charizard brings him down again.]
Machoke:
Thank you so much. I had idea that was
an organization like the United Wedgie Service. I guess I’ll be more careful.
Say, do you know where the nearest repair shop is?
Bayleef:
We’re not from around here.
Machoke:
I see. Well, thank you again! And watch out—there are a lot of crazy
Pokémon in Bloato.
Totodile:
Thanks for the advice! (Okay, so I was
wrong, Charizard. Sue me for being
melodramatic about the Bloatonian Dream.)
Charizard:
Not a bad idea!
Pikachu:
Huh boy . . . This will be a long night.
[Pikachu
and friends walk into a coffee shop advertising free refreshments and dramatic
performances. They settle in the
crowded shop, munching biscotti and sipping espresso as they watch the performers.]
Medichan:
Whither goest thou, young rogue? Can
there remain some villainy thou hast not yet committed?
Smeargle:
How should I know? I spent the day in
Vegas!
Medichan:
Aye, but hear ye this: I’ll soon know thy deeds. Get thee gone, wastrel.
Smeargle:
You’re weird.
Medichan:
Thou art stranger betwixt us.
ONE HOUR LATER
Pikachu:
That was interesting. A
reinterpretation of Shakespeare.
Totodile:
We still haven’t seen the Peanut Butter Festival!
Bayleef:
Enough already with your [expletive] peanut butter!
Cyndaquil:
Oh, my virgin ears!
Charizard:
It’s not like we’re in some G-rated family film, you know. Everyone hears that word sometime or
another. I also thought I’d mention
that you don’t have ears, and that you won’t get any until you evolve.
Pikachu:
Sssh! The next show is starting!
Brock-like
Announcer: Dud Lite presents . . . Real Men of Stupidity.
Misty-like
Announcer: [Slower, melodically.] Real
Men of Stupidity.
Brock-like
Announcer: Today, we razz you, Mr. Pedestrian Who Doesn’t Look Twice Before He
Crosses the Street!
Misty-like
Announcer: [Faster, melodically.] Mr.
Pedestrian Who Doesn’t Look Twice Before He Crosses the Street!
Brock-like
Announcer: Shunning the wisdom of your parents, you prove that real men
do it looking down, [Ash-like actor silently walks out, looking down] staring
at every single crack in the street!
Misty-like
Announcer: [Slower, melodically.] Don’t
break your mother’s back!
Brock-like
Announcer: You don’t care if a hundred cars pile up behind you just because you
stepped out on a green light! You
wanted across, you’ll get across, no matter what!
Misty-like
Announcer: [Slower, melodically.] No
matter what!
Brock-like
Announcer: Hey, it’s a dangerous world, and a dangerous world needs a beverage
with attitude. So crack open an
ice-cold Dud Lite, and know that we fully despise your unsafe and inconsiderate
behavior, [Ash-like actor opens a soda bottle, and drinks] Mr. Pedestrian Who
Doesn’t Look Twice Before He Crosses the Street!
Misty-like
Announcer: [Faster, melodically.] Mr.
Pedestrian Who Doesn’t Look Twice Before He Crosses the Street!
Meowth:
Remember me? I’m back! This story is taking way too long to wrap
up, so I’ll just say Ash and Pikachu and everyone reunite tearfully and
everyone is happy again. THE—
Latios:
That was much more exciting. But . . .
why the sudden ending?
Meowth:
Eh, I just get bored really fast.
Latios:
How dare you call yourself a writer!?
Meowth:
Who asked you, Literature Boy? This is
my story, remember? So I say,
[expletive] off and let me finish!
Latios:
You are a disgrace to the art of writing!
Meowth:
It makes me proud to disgrace the high and mighty. That’s why I joined Team Rocket.
Duh!
THE END