# Just another trainer fic, sort of. Looking more for "kind" criticism.



## Shadow Serenity (Apr 15, 2010)

Okay, so. I don't even know if this goes here, so I'm really sorry if this belongs in the author lounge or something. :/  Feel free to yell at me for that.

Anyway. I plan to write a trainer fic of my own, yes I know they've been done a lot, blah blah. (Actually, I've have two separate ones planned for a while. The second one will just be to help improve my writing.) I do plan to have some sort of alternate plot to the original one later on, however at the moment, I honestly don't know what I want to do with it. But that's not the point of this thread.

I'm going to post the first chapter of the original here, which I've written for the purpose of, other than having a chapter done, getting comments on my writing. I've never really written anything serious outside of classwork, other than the one "random phrases" joke fic I'd posted here ages ago, so I'm not sure I'm any good, and any advice would be appreciated.

Though, I'm rather... I don't know how to put it, exactly. I've seen some people's comments on writing here, and it seemed a little mean. I guess I'm shy about my work. Usually I don't show anyone at all. So while I would like serious comments, please at least try to be polite about it. If you hate it or think it is boring or whatever, don't just be like "It sucks, its boring." Please let me know, well, kinder. And explain why.

And now I've rambled enough, so here's the chapter:

***
“Alex, are you awake? Come on, we’re going to be late,” shouted a female voice on the other side of the bedroom door.  “I thought you were really looking forward to this?”

“Yeah, I’m almost ready,” replied a male voice after a second, surprised that his guest wasn’t waiting outside and instead apparently broke into his house.  So surprised, in fact, that he’d forgotten to get angry that she used his real name.  “You can come in,” the boy added, just after pulling on his shirt, black and torn.  Seeming to be in his late teens, he ran his hand through his untidy pale yellow hair, trying to make it look somewhat controlled.  He then reached for his belt and began to secure it through the loops on the brown jeans he matched to his shirt.  He looked up as the door across the room opened.

The girl who stood in the doorway eyed the boy and smiled.  He just stared in return, captivated by the girl’s face as the sunlight caught it, reflecting in her beautiful green eyes and brightening her features.  She appeared to be around the same age as him.  Her golden hair was, as usual, back in a long ponytail that fell down just past her waist.  Her top was something of her own design, a vibrant red shirt with only one sleeve – the top of the shirt curved downwards at the neck to a little under the arm.  It was short, leaving her stomach exposed down to her black leather skirt, complimented by long socks, a bit darker red than the shirt, and her favorite black boots.  She was holding a bright green bag over her shoulder.

“Morning, Kimiko,” Shadow said, all thoughts he previously had of what day it was now wiped from his mind.

“’Morning, Shadow,” the girl replied brightly.  “Come on, get your bag and let’s go! You did pack last night like I suggested, right? Please tell me you did.”

“Uh, yeah,” Shadow replied.  Hesitantly looking away, he glanced quickly around his small bedroom twice for his backpack, feeling embarrassed when he didn’t immediately spot it.  He sighed and slowly swept the room with his eyes… starting by turning to check behind him (being blinded momentarily by the morning sunlight that was shining in through his two windows in the process), passing the empty black-cushioned chair he’d set in the corner for reading, quickly scanning the cluttered desk pressed up against the adjacent wall and the white-carpeted floor under it, and then the third wall of the pale green room, where a dresser sat next to the door to the closet.  At least knew his backpack wasn’t in there because he had packed it last night and hadn’t been in the closet since the morning before, when he gathered everything he’d need for his journey from it.

Moving on, his eyes found Kimiko again.  For a second, he forgot why he was looking around the room when his eyes only had to look directly in front of him to see what they were looking for.  But then Kimiko rolled her eyes, smiling, and pointed to something on Shadow’s left.  His eyes followed her finger.  She was pointing to a dark blue backpack resting on top of an unmade bed.  Shadow slapped his forehead, having completely forgot about it when he saw the girl, and reached for it, placing only one strap over his shoulder.

He looked back towards the girl blocking his doorway and took a step towards her.  She looked down and raised an eyebrow.

“Shoes?” she asked, now pointing at Shadow’s bare feet.  Shadow looked down also and sighed again.

“That would be nice, wouldn’t it?” he said, setting down his backpack on the bed.  Kimiko couldn’t suppress her giggle this time as he pulled a pair of socks from his dresser and pulled them on, followed by his white sneakers.

“Now are we sure we have everything this time?” Kimiko asked teasingly.  “Food? Money? Brain?”

“Yes, mom,” Shadow replied, also in a joking tone, as he stood up and replaced the backpack on his shoulder.  Kimiko smiled as she turned and left the room, heading downstairs.  Shadow waited until she had started down the stairs before quickly heading to his desk and hastily retrieving his house key, which he had indeed almost forgotten.  He really was glad Kimiko tolerated the memory loss that had a habit of plaguing him whenever he saw her.  As he reached the bedroom door, he turned and gave the room one last glance, trying to burn the image into his mind, before closing the door and heading downstairs, where Kimiko was waiting.

***
Crescent Town was a fairly small and quiet place, to the point where all of the few inhabitants knew each other.  Shadow and Kimiko walked hand-in-hand through the town’s main road in the chilly morning breeze, though the silence was awkward and unusual.  Shadow knew Kimiko was just as excited about today as he was himself, what with having had to wait almost ten years after the normal age children usually start their Pokémon journey, but he couldn’t help noticing her lack of enthusiasm since she left him back in his bedroom.  Shadow looked at her through the corner of his eye; she was actually frowning now, her eyes rather unfocused, seemingly lost in thought.

“What’s wrong?” he immediately asked.

“Nothing,” she said quietly, then she added, “thinking about my sister.  It’s gonna be weird not looking after her anymore.”

“She’ll be fine with your aunt,” Shadow replied, and squeezed her hand reassuringly.  She didn’t seem at all comforted by the thought, so Shadow changed the subject.  He was about to ask how she’d gotten into his house, but now that his mind was clear, he remembered that she had a key – he’d given it to her, after all.  Instead, he thought of something more interesting.  He’d been meaning to ask her again for a week anyway, so now seemed as good time as any.

“So, uh, have you decided what Pokémon you’re gonna pick?”

This seemed to catch her attention.  “No,” she sighed.  “Squirtle is so cute, but Torchic is too.  And both evolve into really good Pokémon.  I don’t even know what I want to train in addition so I can’t very well decide based on what types my team might need in the future.”

“We can do this another time,” Shadow said.  “We’ve had to wait this long, another month-“

“No!” Kimiko said fiercely, stopping in her tracks.  “Not a chance.  I’ve made you wait so much longer as it is.”

“You didn’t make me wait,” Shadow reminded her, also stopping.  “I chose to.”

Kimiko muttered something about a stupid decision.

“It was _not _stupid,” Shadow said, regretting his suggestion to postpone their journey further.  “We’d agreed to do this together from the beginning.  It’s not your fault you had to take care of your sister for the last five years.  And there was never a chance of me traveling the region without you, you know that, so please don’t start this again.”

They stared intensely at each other for a few moments before Kimiko broke the silence.

“You can be so stubborn sometimes.”

Shadow laughed loudly.  “Ha! Look who’s talking,” he shot back.  Kimiko smiled weakly before leaning over and kissing him.

“I’m sorry.  You’re right.  I just… feel bad, you know?  I know it bothered you enough having to wait till you were fifteen…”

“Yeah, well, what are overprotective parents for, eh?” Shadow said, smiling again also.  “Besides, helping care for the Pokémon at the lab made it less painful.”

“You spent a lot of time caring for that Chikorita,” Kimiko pointed out suspiciously as they started walking again, still hand-in-hand.  “I know you were planning to pick her as your starter, but isn’t that cheating a bit? Helping her to practice moves before you even officially own her and all?”

“I can’t help it if the Pokémon I was going to pick anyway became attached to me,” Shadow just said, though his smile only widened.  “Besides, its not as if she has any real battle experience, I just helped her learn a few new moves, at her own request, by the way.  So its not really as if she’ll give me a huge advantage over any other starter.”

“I guess.  But you and her already have a sort of… I dunno, a bond or something already.”

“I think you’re just jealous,” Shadow said.  “She just wanted to be the best starter she could be.  It’s only natural for her to bond with whoever it was training her so intently.” 

“That’s just it, though.  Normally a trainer doesn’t get to bond with his Pokémon before he owns it.”

Shadow considered that for a minute.  While it was true that most trainers don’t even meet their starter before they obtain it, was it really like cheating to befriend and help train a Pokémon, knowing it would become yours later anyway?  He tried to convince himself that there was nothing wrong with it, that he was only helping the Pokémon at her request, not for his own gain.  He felt unsure now, however, if he could really justify that, and he struggled to keep the thought out of his mind for the rest of the awkwardly silent walk to the region’s resident professor’s research lab.

***
“My, you two are late,” came a deep, raspy voice as Shadow and Kimiko entered the lab a short while later.  After looking around the odd sitting room that looked like it belonged to a house rather than a Pokémon lab, the couple headed to the room beyond the door at the back, assuming that was where the voice came from.

“Sorry Luke, overslept.  Today of all days,” Shadow replied as they entered.

The owner of the raspy voice, a man who looked to be in his late thirties, sat off to the right at a desk, seemingly engrossed in whatever paper he was looking at.  He marked something on it with a pencil near the end, probably the point where he stopped reading, and looked up at the new arrivals.  He looked as if he’d been up all night – his white lab coat was unbuttoned, open, and stained with what Shadow hoped was only coffee, and the red tie he was wearing was actually untied and lazily thrown around his neck.  His dark brown hair was ruffled and sticking out in places, as if it had been pulled at repeatedly.  The man’s glasses were ever so slightly lopsided and his blue eyes bloodshot.  On the desk next to his paper sat what appeared to be the remains of some sort of meat on a plate and, indeed, a nearly empty mug of coffee.

“So, today’s the big day, huh?” said Luke. Without waiting for a reply, he looked at his watch and added,  “You’re lucky this isn’t the normal season trainers start coming around, else you’d have nothing to choose from!”

Again without waiting for a reply, Luke wheeled his chair back, stood up, and headed for a door behind him.  “I’m sorry for my appearance,” he went on, “I had completely forgotten you were coming today for a reason other than work.  It’s going to be very empty around here without you two.  Follow me.”

“Professor Hawkins, where’s Professor Spruce?” asked Kimiko as they followed the man.  He had led them to a room in the very heart of the building, the room where all the Pokémon were stored in their pokéballs. All around the room were shelves upon shelves of the little red and white spheres, arranged nearly in rows with occasional breaks between them for people to walk through, like a row of bookcases in a library.  He stopped in front of what appeared to be a computer with a green tube connected to the back of the monitor.

“Oh, he’s in the very back, apparently one of the eggs hatched really early this morning, and it turns out it’s a Pokémon he’s never seen before.  Not sure how it happened, honestly, we don’t have any Pokémon in the lab that haven’t been discovered yet.”

Shadow and Kimiko exchanged a glance that pretty much meant _Well, duh_.

“So he told me to tend to you when you got here,” Luke continued.  “I just was so absorbed into my research that I had forgotten to eat or get prepared or anything else.  Anyway, Professor Spruce is busy examining the new Pokémon so he asked me to give you his best wishes and good luck on your travels.”  Luke then bowed slightly, and looked expectantly at the couple.

“Uh, Luke… you haven’t given us our Pokémon yet,” Shadow said.

“What? Oh! Oh my… I’m so terribly sorry, I’m just extremely tired you see and I’ve gone through a few mugs of coffee this morning to try to stay up and my memory isn’t what it normally is under these conditions, but you obviously know how I normally-“

“Professor,” Kimiko cut him off.  “Our Pokémon?”

“Right, right, I’m sorry.  So then, I assume you both know who you would like to choose?”

“I have,” Shadow said, stepping forward.

“I think I know who you want,” Professor Hawkins said, “but let’s see if I’m right.  Well, Shadow, who is it?”

“He’s going by Alex now, professor,” Kimiko pointed out.

“Oh, really? Given up on the nickname, then?”

“No,” Shadow replied with a hint of annoyance.  “I’ve just accepted that it will be what I need for all the official trainer registration junk, since it’s my legal name and all.  But I’m keeping the nickname.  Anyway, I’ve chosen Chikorita,” he finished, not wanting to discuss the name he so loathed.

“Aha! You’re very predictable, my young friend.  The way that little Pokémon talks about you, you would think you’re her mother or something, it’s really quite cute-“

“Er… yeah,” Shadow said, interrupting.

“Yes, right, well.”  Luke cleared his throat and walked over towards the computer.  He typed something rather fast, and a second later, a pokéball dropped out of the green tube.  

Before anyone could pick it up, it automatically opened, releasing onto the desk a tiny, green animal with four short legs and a short tail.  The little creature had a ring of darker green spots around her neck, and a large leaf atop her head.

“Hi, Shadow!”  the Chikorita squeaked.  “I didn’t know we were going to train so early today.”

“We’re not,” Shadow explained.  “I’ve, er… I’m technically a new trainer, so I’m going to be starting my journey, and I’ve… well, I’d like to know if you would like to come with me and be my official starter.”

Shadow immediately felt nervous.  What if Chikorita said no? What if she wanted to stay at the lab? He mentally slapped himself for not thinking of that possibility sooner.

Chikorita relieved him of his worries, however, as she screeched with glee and jumped off the desk towards him.  He nearly tripped as he lunged forward to catch her before she hit the ground from her miscalculated leap of joy.  He cradled her in his arms as the Pokémon rubbed against him affectionately, and said, “I would be honored to fight for you.”

The moment was dampened a bit, however, when she stopped suddenly and looked up.  “Wait… you’re a new trainer?” she asked.

“Well, yeah,” Shadow replied.

The Chikorita’s head tilted slightly sideways, causing her head leaf to drift so that it fell to the side of her head.  “Didn’t you tell me that new trainers get their first Pokémon young?”

“You know, she’s right,” piped up Professor Hawkins, who appeared to have just been sleeping on his feet since the Chikorita had emerged.  “Why did you two wait so long, anyway?”

“That’s my fault,” Kimiko said, though she seemed to immediately regret speaking, and looked away distractedly.

“Her dad died five years ago,” Shadow explained in a hurried whisper.  He raised his voice before continuing.  “Actually, starting at the beginning, our parents decided for us that they wouldn’t allow us to be trainers officially until we were fifteen.  Naturally, we both complained like crazy, but I guess we know where we got our stubbornness from.” He looked at Kimiko, but his mild attempt at humor didn’t seem to faze her, so he returned to whispering.  “Anyway, before we reached their age limit, Kimiko’s father was killed.  As far as I know, no one’s really sure of the details, except it wasn’t natural.  She was told that his body was found… in pieces.  You can see why she doesn’t like talking about it.

“No one knows what happened to her mother, either.  She left her father when Kimiko was young, and apparently they just never heard from her again.  So that left Kimiko to care for her younger sister, Michelle.  Their aunt essentially adopted them, but she’s apparently rather frail also so she couldn’t really help, other than allowing them to live with her.

“And that’s pretty much it.  Kimiko had to care for herself and Michelle for the last five years.  As for me, I just decided to wait for her.  That’s why we offered our help here at the lab; we still wanted to work with Pokémon.  But now Michelle is old enough to take care of herself, so now we’re getting started.”

Shadow just shrugged as he finished, waiting for someone to speak.  Chikorita just nodded in grim understanding, while Luke seemed to have fallen asleep again.  _He must really be exhausted_ Shadow thought, sighing.  Well, at least Chikorita had listened to the whole story.

He turned around with Chikorita in his arms to see Kimiko leaning against one of the shelves, her eyes unfocused again.  It took him a second to realize that something was wrong with the picture before him, something more than just Kimiko’s distant expression.

Then it hit him.  He leaned forward slightly and Chikorita jumped to the ground out of instinct.  Shadow was thankful that she’d understood, somewhere in the back of his mind.  He called Kimiko’s name as he ran forward, barely catching the shelf, which was beginning to fall backwards, unable to support the added weight of the girl leaning against it.  She gasped as she stumbled away, and Shadow was able to push the shelf back into a standing position before it toppled over.

However, one pokéball was apparently not secured well in its place and fell to the ground, where it opened in a flash of light.  When the light faded, a small, blue Pokémon had appeared next to Chikorita.  The little creature had what looked like a fin on its head as well as its tail, and a few bright orange whiskers on its face.  Shadow recognized it as a Mudkip.

“I’m sorry little guy,” Kimiko said as she watched the terrified creature.  Tears began to form in the little blue fish’s eyes, which had grown wide upon seeing other living beings.  Kimiko knelt down and offered Mudkip her hand in an attempt to make herself appear less threatening.  Mudkip did not look convinced, as it slowly backed away.

Kimiko pulled her hand back as Chikorita walked up to the shaking creature and sniffed it.  The Mudkip seemed to be frozen in fear as Chikorita walked around it, sniffing curiously.  After making a full circle, she looked at Mudkip with a smile and said, “Hi!”

Mudkip screamed in terror and ran forward, diving into Kimiko’s lap in an attempt to hide as Kimiko and Chikorita looked at each other in surprise.

“It’s okay, she won’t hurt you,” Kimiko said, taking the blue creature in her arms and holding it against her chest protectively.  The Mudkip then looked up into her eyes, examined her face for a moment, then apparently decided she was telling the truth after all – its shaking had stopped.

As Kimiko stood up, careful not to scare Mudkip again, Chikorita wrapped a vine from her neck around Mudkip’s pokéball and handed it to her trainer.  Shadow, in turn, held it out to Kimiko.

“Would you like to go back into your pokéball now?” she asked the creature.  In response, the Mudkip climbed out of her arms and up onto her right shoulder, and proceeded to lick her cheek.

“Can I go with you?” Mudkip asked.  Its voice, though small, confirmed it as a male.

“He wasn’t intended as a starter,” said Luke suddenly, which made everyone jump.  He was sitting in the chair by the computer, still looking very worn out, but apparently awake – Shadow guessed the noise from Mudkip’s screaming woke him, or that he was never really asleep and just resting his eyes.  “But it seems he’s grown on you.”

Kimiko carefully picked Mudkip off her shoulder to get a good look at him.  Shadow thought he seemed somehow smaller than the last Mudkip he’d worked with at this very lab.  Somehow, he looked a lot cuter, too.  Perhaps it had something to do with the large eyes that were just begging to be brought along with them.

“Okay,” she said after another minute, smiling at the creature.  “You’ll be my starter, then.”

Shadow, now carrying Chikorita, extended his hand to his girlfriend; likewise, Chikorita extended a vine to Mudkip.  “Congrats,” he said.

Immediately, the water Pokémon squeaked in terror and buried his face in Kimiko’s shirt, where she proceeded to comfort him.

 “Well,” said Professor Hawkins, “the professor had, thankfully, set up the documents for your trainers licenses on this computer, but I’m afraid we don’t have any pokédex to give you, since trainers don’t normally start showing up for another four months or so, so for now you will have to just go on without one until you can buy one in the next town.  You can temporarily register your new Pokémon online, with your license, so you should probably do that now.  And then, I suppose you’re finished here.”

“Sounds good,” Shadow said, sitting in front of the computer with Chikorita at his side and Kimiko and Mudkip right behind him.

***


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## Flazeah (Apr 15, 2010)

Hey. I’ve got a few comments; this looks to be an interesting story so far.

The part where you say “Seeming to be in his late teens…” feels a bit… misleading. Seeing as this boy is the person whose point of view the story is being told from, it seems a tiny bit odd that it says “seeming to be” rather than something more definite. I’d suggest changing that to something like “The boy/”Alex” [inverted commas are intentional], who was in his late teens, ran his hand…” so that it is more obvious he’s the person whose point of view the story is told from. The phrase “seeming to be” just makes it seem like the readers are meant to be given only a vague description of this character, as if he’s not important enough for readers to know his age more specifically, and it looks inconsistent with how we are presented with his view the rest of the time. However, I suppose it doesn’t matter very much if you really want him to be more “mysterious” in the first few paragraphs, but if not, then I suggest revising it a little.

 Also, “a male voice” sounds as if it’s not the person whose point of view the story is being told from, as well, so you could also change that if you wanted to. I appreciate that it’s written in the third person, but it might be a little easier for the reader if they know for sure from the start whose point of view the story is being told from, so the words or phrases you use to name or describe that person should be less ambiguous. Likewise, the wording “She appeared to be about the same age as him” sounds a little strange considering that he knows her. As you’re presenting the world as he sees it, it’s better to show the readers what he sees, consistently telling the story from his point of view, rather than presenting the girl as the readers know her: someone they don’t yet know much about.

I’ve noticed a few small mistakes in grammar – apologies if these are wrong, but I’ll note what I think they should be. First off, “all thoughts he previously had” should probably be “all thoughts he’d/he had previously had – I think. Secondly, “having completely forgot” should be “having completely forgotten”, I’m pretty sure. However, I could be wrong. Also, I think that “what with having had to wait almost ten years” should just be “what with having to wait ten years”. Anyway, they’re probably not hugely important; but they were just some examples of mistakes. Oh, I noticed a typo, too – where it says “At least knew his backpack wasn’t in there”, you left out the “he”, which you may have noticed now you’ve read the sentence again.

 I find it interesting, not necessarily unhelpful, that you haven’t made it clear that Shadow and Kimiko are in a relationship right from the start, where you appear to make it seem more as if he just has a big crush on her; or at least, that’s the impression I got. Is this truly intentional, or did you mean for it to be a bit more obvious from the beginning? Either way, it’s pretty intriguing.

 Unfortunately, I’ve kind of run out of time for now, and I don’t want to bombard you with comments, so hopefully you found that helpful. I like the story; it’s an entertaining read so far. If you are indeed writing more, it’d be interesting to see that, too.


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## Shadow Serenity (Apr 15, 2010)

-Okay. So the first descriptions are a little vague in terms of their age. Will fix this.

-Yeah, it's supposed to be from his point of view, so I guess it makes sense for him to know her age, doesn't it? Will fix that also.

-Grammar/spelling were never a strong point of mine, especially when it comes to things like "its/it's" or "there/their". In regards to the first on you mentioned, I personally am not sure if it makes a difference either way, and I think it sounds rather odd having "had" in there twice. The other two make sense though, I'll correct those. I curse myself for the typo as well, considering I re-read this three times before posting and didn't see it.

-I had actually meant to make their relationship more obvious from the start. These are two of my oldest characters so they've been a couple for a while and I didn't really want to change that for the fic, so I figured I should point it out right away. So, do you think it would be better if I made it more obvious that Kimiko shares his feelings right at the beginning, then?

-That was exactly the kind of criticism I was looking for, so thank you for that. I didn't plan to post any more of this fic here, mostly because 1) It's just another trainer fic that I'm sure people are tired of reading and 2), I really have no idea what I want the plot to be other than the badges plot, so I don't want to write too much of it and then decide later, then have to go back and edit everything that's written to include details of the new plot. I mean, if you're _really _interested, maybe I'll continue, but personally I don't think people will really want to read this.


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## Hiesetsu (Apr 16, 2010)

I see some good things here, and all I can really say is to try and not only keep it up, but vary it as well. Such as, the dialogue. I like how you set it up, it's easy to tell who's saying what and even picture the two people. I know it's really easy to slack on that, so I appreciate it. Also, I like the characterization. The two main characters definitely feel different, even if I only have a generic feel for the two. You know, the absent minded but lovable joined with the independent and loving. I hope you'll expand on it. 

     That is to say, please continue your fic. I would like to see it through the exposition at the very least. I like your style, and while I generally have my bias against fakemon and new regions, I believe I can live with it. Oh, and the talking Chikorita threw me for a loop, but I suppose it allows the Pocket Companions to be more character and less pantomime, yes? And Luke Hawkins? I see what you did there.


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## Shadow Serenity (Apr 17, 2010)

Thank you, Hiesetsu. ^^  One of the main problems I have when reading other people's work is when they don't detail thing enough, such as the people's looks or who said what line so I know how annoying that can be, which is why I've tried to make those things clear. In fact, I sometimes think I overdo the details, which might actually slow down the story, but then when I look for something to take out, I find it hard to remove something because it all seems.... necessary. So it's good to know that I'm at least rather successful finding a balance.

I tend not to like fakemon either, though I do feel that I've at least created some that are fairly balanced so I don't think they'll have that big of an impact. As for the region, I thought it best to take a trip through somewhere new, since I have a hard time writing while staying in-character when using characters that aren't my own, so I decided to create my own gym leaders, etc. 

As for the talking Chikorita, I guess you could say I've been influenced by Butterfree's ongoing fic a bit. Also, I do think it will be much easier to communicate as well as make the story, battles, etc. more exciting. So like, if I decide later on (or it just sort of happens during writing) that two pokemon have something against each other, it would be easier to show it by having them speaking rather than to explain it by have the main characters attempt to figure out what's going on.

I'm afraid I don't know what you mean in regards to Luke Hawkins... If you mean just the name, I sort of created that at the last minute...

Anyway, if you're really that interested, then perhaps I will continue it here, but since I don't know what sort of plot I want to tie together with the general gym plot, I probably will just be posting rather slowly. I guess its not that the first few chapters will have much, if any, influence on any later plot anyway... but I still don't know. :p

Anyways, now I've rambled again. But anyways, thank you for your comments. ^_^


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## Flazeah (Apr 17, 2010)

Shadow Serenity said:


> -I had actually meant to make their relationship more obvious from the start. These are two of my oldest characters so they've been a couple for a while and I didn't really want to change that for the fic, so I figured I should point it out right away. So, do you think it would be better if I made it more obvious that Kimiko shares his feelings right at the beginning, then?


 Yeah, I think it'd maybe be a bit easier for the reader. I remember thinking it seemed like Shadow's feelings weren't shared at first, and then being a little surprised when he and Kimiko were suddenly holding hands.



			
				Shadow Serenity said:
			
		

> I mean, if you're _really _interested, maybe I'll continue, but personally I don't think people will really want to read this.


 Well, of course it's up to you and depends on how much of an entertaining read you think you can make the story, but you might just surprise yourself. It would be useful to consider more ideas first, but whichever way you want to go with the plot, I guess the main thing is that you have fun writing it, and show it to others only if you want to.


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