# Chuck Norris Jokes



## SonicNintendo (Aug 22, 2009)

Exactly what it says.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors
Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris-ed


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## glitchedgamer (Aug 22, 2009)

Correction: These are facts, not jokes.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.


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## Tarvos (Aug 22, 2009)

Chuck Norris tells this thread to fuck off.


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## ProgMetal_64 (Aug 22, 2009)

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris brought a knife to a gunfight and won.

Chuck Norris had the idea to sell his urine in a can. It is now known as Red Bull.


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## Tarvos (Aug 22, 2009)

Chuck Norris jokes are really old and need to die.


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## speedblader03 (Aug 22, 2009)

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
(I love these)


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## #1 bro (Aug 23, 2009)

Chuck Norris believes that evolution is a lie, prayer should be taught in public schools, Texas should secede from the United States, and that "true patriots" don't believe in separation of church and state. 

Chuck Norris jokes are as old and uncool as disco (or something), and anyone who still thinks this meme is funny is a boring and uninteresting person desperate for attention.


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## fresh fruit for Adol (Aug 23, 2009)

Soo...  Anyone who still laughs to themselves about jokes that most other people find old and unfunny is desperate for attention?

Honestly, who the hell cares if it's old or not?


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## Tigerclaw (Aug 23, 2009)

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.


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## Tarvos (Aug 23, 2009)

Blazing Hearts said:


> Soo...  Anyone who still laughs to themselves about jokes that most other people find old and unfunny is desperate for attention?
> 
> Honestly, who the hell cares if it's old or not?


Yes, they are. Stop beating a dead horse.


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## Murkrow (Aug 23, 2009)

Guys, if you don't like a thread, why complain? Can't you just ignore it instead of going into it and insulting the people who find it funny?


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## Tarvos (Aug 23, 2009)

Because if you want them you can use Google and there is no need for a thread here to find them, plus everyone already knows so devoting another thread to it is entirely useless. There have been 2000 threads and they die within a few days because repeating the same old jokes more than once isn't funny.


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## Murkrow (Aug 23, 2009)

Repeating old jokes can be funny to those who haven't heard them before. And while you can use Google, does that give you an excuse to be harsh about it when you can simply point it out that it is pointless?


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## Tarvos (Aug 23, 2009)

Except everyone has heard Chuck Norris by now and if you want to inform them you can link them.


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## fresh fruit for Adol (Aug 23, 2009)

Still doesn't give you the excuse to be an ass...

And I also love your logic on wanting attention.  Way to go.


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## Yarnchu (Aug 23, 2009)

By responding to him, you are giving him reason to argue with you over the matter of Chuck Norris jokes. Arguing with Watershed isn't going to make him change his mind about Chuck Norris jokes. He'll just continue to voice his displeasure with the stale jokes.

Yes, they are stale. Doesn't mean they can't be fun, but they are really, really stale.


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## Tarvos (Aug 23, 2009)

Blazing Hearts said:


> Still doesn't give you the excuse to be an ass...
> 
> And I also love your logic on wanting attention.  Way to go.


I'm not an ass because I point something out that is perfectly fine to point out.


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## Murkrow (Aug 23, 2009)

See you weren't just pointing something out, you were being an ass about it. It's not what you said, it's the way you said it, or so to speak.

Also, don't know who it was but whoever added that tag was being an ass.


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## fresh fruit for Adol (Aug 23, 2009)

Seemed to me like you were being an ass about it, but that's just me...


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## speedblader03 (Aug 23, 2009)

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

These never seem to get old for me.


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## #1 bro (Aug 23, 2009)

(One of) the main problem(s) about these "jokes" is that the very thing that made them funny in the first place was that Chuck Norris is actually in _no_ way, shape, or form, any measure of cool. He's a washed up, former shitty actor, who as I previously stated, doesn't believe in separation of church and state. The jokes were funny in the first place, because they said "Chuck Norris is awesome", even though he's actually extremely lame. 

Now, when people hear "Chuck Norris", they don't think "washed up shitty movie actor", they think "AWESOME GUY". Therefore rendering the jokes pretty retarded. 

Also, I've never heard anyone I would describe as "cool" tell a Chuck Norris joke. Be aware that telling them probably makes you look pretty retarded in other people's eyes.


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## glitchedgamer (Aug 24, 2009)

As long as there is no "Your Mom Jokes" or "That's What She Said Jokes" threads, I'm fine with this one.

EDIT: At least the tags are humorous.


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## Murkrow (Aug 24, 2009)

Zeta Reticuli said:


> words


I don't deny any of this, I never found any of these funny either, what I'm saying is that people are being mean about it.


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## Zuu (Aug 24, 2009)

*sage*

if I could, I would.


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## Mehw (Aug 24, 2009)

following Superyoshi888's advice,

in a fight between Superman and Batman, Chuck Norris would win.


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## Tigerclaw (Aug 24, 2009)

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won. 


Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.


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## Karkat Vantas (Aug 24, 2009)

Zeta Reticuli said:


> (One of) the main problem(s) about these "jokes" is that the very thing that made them funny in the first place was that Chuck Norris is actually in _no_ way, shape, or form, any measure of cool. He's a washed up, former shitty actor, who as I previously stated, doesn't believe in separation of church and state. The jokes were funny in the first place, because they said "Chuck Norris is awesome", even though he's actually extremely lame.


true.

The Will It Blend episode with Chuck Norris is awesome, though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9V-goCaua0


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## Lady Grimdour (Aug 24, 2009)

Chuck Norris won the game.

If Chuck Norris were in Scotland Yard, he would've had the balls to side with America for once and sent that bloody bomber to jail and figured out that anyone who bombs a plane and kills 270 people JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS doesn't deserve a release on compassionate grounds while at the same time a simple banker who plundered his company gets the death sentence when it wasn't even entirely his fault.

Chuck Norris gets his nourishment from the energy of female orgasms. Come Global Orgasm Day he will implode and show his true form.

If Chuck Norris were leading England at the Ashes, they would've won before he even joined the team.


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## Minish (Aug 24, 2009)

Zeta Reticuli said:


> Now, when people hear "Chuck Norris", they don't think "washed up shitty movie actor", they think "AWESOME GUY". Therefore rendering the jokes pretty retarded.


Since I probably wouldn't have even seen Chuck Norris' name if it weren't for this meme, and never cared enough to go actually find out who he is, I'm one of these people. @_@ I had no idea he was actually a lame arsehole.


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## ultraviolet (Aug 25, 2009)

Normal Person can do Normal Thing, Chuck Norris does _extraordinary _thing!

I'm with Cirrus, I had no idea who the hell Chuck was before these jokes, but honestly, it's just the same formula over and over again.





> If Chuck Norris were leading England at the Ashes, they would've won before he even joined the team.


Also this makes little sense even for a Chuck Norris joke. I think it'd be better if it was 'before they'd even started playing' or something, but idk.


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## Worst Username Ever (Aug 25, 2009)

Well, for my opinion... they're not really that good, it's the same thing over and over again and I wouldn't even know about Chuck Norris if it wasn't for these jokes. A few are pretty funny, but Chuck Norris jokes/facts are one of the few memes I don't like that much. ._.


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## Lady Grimdour (Aug 25, 2009)

ultraviolet said:


> Also this makes little sense even for a Chuck Norris joke. I think it'd be better if it was 'before they'd even started playing' or something, but idk.


Most don't even make sense.


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## FluffyGryphon (Aug 25, 2009)

These jokes and those who idolize him like he's the Badass Messiah are going to directly influence his success, should he ever manage to get Holy Bible courses a requirement in public schools... I hate bible thumpers and Chuck Norris is about as thumpy as they come. He's even responded to Chuck Norris jokes by saying people that think he is awesome should devote their energy to God instead. I'm not even kidding.


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## goldenquagsire (Aug 26, 2009)

Zeta Reticuli said:


> Chuck Norris jokes are as old and uncool as disco


hey SHUT UP disco is fucking awesome stop comparing it to Chuck Norris


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## Lady Grimdour (Aug 26, 2009)

FluffyGryphon said:


> These jokes and those who idolize him like he's the Badass Messiah are going to directly influence his success, should he ever manage to get Holy Bible courses a requirement in public schools... I hate bible thumpers and Chuck Norris is about as thumpy as they come. He's even responded to Chuck Norris jokes by saying people that think he is awesome should devote their energy to God instead. I'm not even kidding.


I remember that one.

According to him; "There is no evolution; only beings that Chuck Norris God allowed to live.".


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## Darkrai (Sep 5, 2009)

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)


Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.


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## Butterfree (Sep 6, 2009)

I actually think Chuck Norris jokes _can_ be amusing, though a lot/most of them aren't. Who Chuck Norris is and whether he deserves the image the jokes present of him is irrelevant, as seen by the various people who make Chuck Norris-esque facts about various fictional characters, for instance.

The point of good Chuck Norris facts has never been the contrast between his actual lameness and the supposed badassery, anyway; nobody laughs at a statement just because it is false. It is to make a ridiculous, cheesy statement supposedly about badassery out of a reference to some absurd physical impossibility, a play on words, or just generally something about as unrelated to badassery as you can get, made amusing by putting them in this context; "Chuck Norris" is just a placeholder name used to give it that context. From this thread, these made me chuckle, for instance:



> Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.





> Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.


On the other hand, Chuck Norris jokes that describe something that could actually sensibly be called a feat of badassery if it were real have never had much in the way of entertainment value a far as I'm concerned, e.g.



> Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)





> There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.


tl;dr I overanalyze jokes, think the occasional Chuck Norris fact is actually funny and really do not see why people joking about some crappy batshit actor is supposed to be a big deal. I cannot possibly imagine it giving him influence; it just makes it impossible to take him seriously.


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## speedblader03 (Sep 7, 2009)

This is actually true and is not a joke/fact.

A bakery, after being robbed several times, put up a poster with Chuck Norris on it, with the words, "This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris."  The number of robberies went down significantly after that.

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_3308615.html


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## nothing to see here (Sep 18, 2009)

Oddly enough, I actually heard some kid in the back of one of my classes tell one of these today:



			
				some kid in the back of the room said:
			
		

> Bruce Banner transforms into the Incredible Hulk when he's pissed off, and when the Incredible Hulk gets pissed off he transforms into Chuck Norris.


That was the first time I've actually heard someone tell a Chuck Norris joke in real life since maybe 2003 or 2004.  I guess people who don't spend a lot of time on the Internet aren't quite tired of them yet.

Also: I feel sorry for the people who only know who Chuck Norris is because of the meme.  The movies and Walker: Texas Ranger were much more fun to joke about than these things... the only one I've seen anytime recently that made me snicker a little was "Chuck Norris really can believe it's not butter."

Seriously, there was a scene in one of his movies where he transformed into a bird, flew down at someone, then transformed back and jump-kicked the guy in midair.  The meme things usually try to get that kind of "funny/awesome because of sheer ridiculousness," but they never work because they try *too* hard.


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## wyoming789 (Sep 20, 2009)

Oh, god!  I loooove these jokes!

Chuck Norris once ate an entire cake before he realized there was a stripper in it.
Chuck Norris won the 87 poker championships with just a king of hearts, a jack of spades, a 2 of clubs, an uno card, and a get out of jail free monopoly card.
My Chuck Norris can beat up your Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sued Dick Wolf for stealing his names for his left and right legs, Law and Order.
Cloning doesn't exist because if Chuck Norris fought his clone, the universe would end.
The reason there's no end to pi is because it's running from Chuck Norris.

Why doesn't anybody find these things funny but me??!


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## shadow_lugia (Sep 20, 2009)

Hey, guys like Watershed, you know what gets even older than Chuck Norris jokes?

Ranting about how stupid they are.

Anyway:

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.


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