# Jirachi, Celebi, and Dreamis



## Showers (Oct 20, 2009)

This is a story obliviously about 3 Pokemon. This is my first story and if you have any suggestions, please tell me! I have many dreams and this is kind of one of them! Jirachi makes his first appearance in 2nd chapter or later! And I will post more chapters as soon as I can! It's school year and yadda yadda yadda.....but I will do it frequently as long as people give me ideas click the spoiler if you want to know what will happen!
JIRACHI AND DREAMIS WILL HAVE A CRUSH ON EACH OTHER LATER IN THE STORY!!!!

Chapter 1
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Once, there was a forest. Not just a regular forest, it was the Ilex Forest. Here, lived a legend named Celebi. She had many friends, including a Pokemon named Jirachi. One day, there was a Pokemon named Dreamis, a Misdreavus but that day, Celebi was patrolling the forest as usual. "Hm...I hear screaming.." Celebi said. "HELP! GHOSTS!" That was exactly what Dreamis said but she was a ghost Pokemon herself but couldn't attack well. Celebi steps into action and she finds 3 Gengar bullying the Misdreavus. "Leave her alone!" Celebi said. She was ready to ban the three Gengar from the forest until she got hit by a Dark Pulse. Then, Celebi falls and she gets back up though. "You three....ARE BANNED FROM THE FOREST!!!!!!!" Celebi yells. It was like a Hyper Voice but more louder. "W-w-w-we're sorry, but-" One of the Gengar tries to but Celebi inturupts them. "IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE MEAN IN THE FOREST GET OUT OF MY FOREST!"The three Gengar go away and they got out quick. "Gr...that Celebi is going to pay..." Another Gengar says. Celebi goes to the scared Misdreavus. "Are you ok?" Celebi asks in a gentle voice. "I-I'm fine...." Dreamis says a little scared. 'Hm...she looks pretty scared to me...' Celebi thought. "Come with me please." Celebi said. "O-Ok...." Dreamis said still scared. She didn't know where Celebi was taking her but she hoped she wasn't going somewhere dangerous.


Chapter 2
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Dreamis kept following Celebi.
"Well here we are!" Celebi says in a cheerful way.
"Where?" Dreamis asks confused.
"At my home! Now come inside!" Celebi said. 'I thought she's mean....and she banned those Gengar...is she Celebi perhaps?' Dreamis thought.
"My name's Dreamis!" Dreamis blurted out.
"I know silly! And my name's Celebi! I'm supposed to know everyone's name!" Celebi said with a little giggle.
Then, she finally closes the door because it was a little cold outside.
"It's cold with the door open!" Celebi said.
"And a few of my legend friends are coming tomorrow! Wait, I barely told you why you're here! Silly me! Well, I wanted you to stay here for a while because I got feeling that the Gengar are coming back. Maybe not today maybe not tomorrow but they're coming back!" Celebi explained.
"Oh! I don't even have anywhere to go anyways...I always wander places, hoping people would let me in and sleep in their house." Dreamis said.
"Good! Now it's getting late! We should go to sleep! You can sleep on the couch or the bed upstairs! Either way, there would be a TV to watch!" Celebi said heading up the stairs.
"I'll come with you!" Dreamis said wanting a bed to sleep on. "
Ok! Come with me!" Celebi said.


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## Stormecho (Oct 20, 2009)

Alright, first - chapter length can be debated, but usually it's longer than a paragraph. Description is a must - what differentiates Ilex Forest from any other forest? Maybe point out the shrines dedicated to Celebi. Describe the Pokemon. Assume that we don't know what the Pokemon look like. 

Also, start a new line everytime someone else is speaking, so it isn't in a block. Also, your tense changes twice - it starts off as past, goes to present, and then switches back to past on the last sentence. Try to stick to one. 

Aaaand, lastly, and you might hear this a lot: show, don't tell. You, in your writing, told us that Dreamis couldn't fight off the Gengar. Instead, you could describe how her attacks weren't doing much damage when Celebi showed up, or something to that effect. We don't need to know Dreamis can't fight them off - we need to see that she can't. 

Nice job so far - I think, in terms of quality and mistakes, my first story was far worse than yours. XD


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## Harlequin (Oct 20, 2009)

You switch tenses. You start off saying "was" and then all of a sudden it's all in the present.

Pick a tense and stick to it.

Try to make this a bit longer. It's just ... too short to get any sort of a feel for what you're writing. I've written short openers myself, but you have to allow the readers to *feel* your story or they won't want to come back.

Start a new paragraph for ever speaker.

"Hello."

"Hello." 

And so on. It makes it easier for the reader to actually read.

You seem to be having problems with commas. I suggest avoiding the use of sentences requiring commas and semicolons until you can use them properly. It'll save a lot of heartache on my end.


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## Showers (Oct 20, 2009)

Thank you! The both of you helped a lot! Chapter 2 will be better!


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